Posts Tagged ‘Tips’



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Divorced Dads Tips: What to do When Mom Claims Visitation / Access Disrupts the Kids Routines

January 2nd, 2010 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Celebrity Divorces

DISCLAIMER: The following is NOT legal advice, nor is it a substitute for legal advice. If you are in Family Court you will need legal advice, so please see a lawyer.


Sometimes the issue of transporting the children during access / visitation times becomes extremely contentious. On a recent teleseminar, Heidi Nabert, President of The National Shared Parenting Association and I were asked the following:


I am wondering about driving issues. My ex just moved from nearby to faraway and generally I see the kids every Wednesday night, take them swimming or skating. It is going to be a lot more difficult. We just keep on arguing against the Wednesday night claiming that it is disruptive and they need to get to bed on time and now she has moved another 15 minutes further from where I live so it makes it all that more difficult. We are about 1/2 hour apart what should I do?


This divorced dad has the kids every other weekend, Friday after school to Monday morning at school and sees them on Wednesday evening per the current court order.


Mom is complaining that all this driving is disruptive to the kids who are 4 and 7 years old. There have never been any complaints from daycare or teachers about the driving and activities such as swimming and skating being disruptive that the kids get all wound up. Then they are hard to put to bed. Then the next day at school is rough, according to Mom, but not substantiated by anyone else.


How would activities the children enjoy be disruptive? This is of benefit to the kids. Really the issues are the kids don’t get to bed on time because they are excited.


Perhaps, as a suggestion, the solution is this dad should have them kids overnight on the weeknight. That would be less disruptive.


Sometimes when you focus on a sole issue like that, when you cannot get to an agreement and you take on that particular sole issue, very often it will come back as a bunch of nonsense from the other side. The response has to be, “Well, Your Honor, if any of that was even serious in the first place, why was it not brought up?


The only real issue here is that she is saying it is disruptive. They do not get to bed on time. Certainly, if they remain with me they would get to bed on time. Here is all the benefit they have up to now. They are a little bit older. It is a material change of circumstances. It is only one night.”


That’s an example of the slice theory at work. We are minimizing disruption through integration. Demonstrate benefits to the children and ask why putting the kids to bed at your home won’t solve the problem.


And stick to that point make them prove that it cannot work. It’s unlikely they can’t, and really what we are talking about here is 8-10 hours of sleeping time.


That’s what Mom is really fighting over, and that’s the best way to characterize it. That it is not about disruption, its really about a misplaced sense of a loss of power and control perfectly understandable, but not necessarily reasonable or best for the kids who also have a strong bond with their father.


Obviously the children are excited and having a GREAT time. So the best place for the wind down from that is with their father who was part of that fun, rather than expecting kids to shift gears the moment they get back to Mom’s.


That’s a better and more accurate reframing of the facts, evidence and argument from my perspective; having been one of those kids myself, and having been a both a custodial and non-custodial parent.


Always try to find the high ground and be solution focused. Don’t try to blame mom, or claim that you are better than her. Simply assert that you are as essential to the children’s happiness, well-being and development as Mom, but in different ways.


You both bring important things into the lives of your children. Celebrate those differences and look for the strengths and what they provide for your children.


If you focus on that approach, you then are the solution focused peacemaker. And that is a VERY good position to be in when you are in front of a Family Court Judge seeking an order that best meets your children’s needs.

Internet Find of the Day: Looking for special gifts for your kids? Check out these two great Christmas gifts for kids!

Danny Guspie - Executive Director of Fathers Resources International can help you learn the successful strategies of fathers who have won in Family Court. Join us on our weekly calls at

DivorcedDadWeekly.com where we will share with you what works for successful divorced dads.

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Divorce is not the Answer: Tips for Blissful Relationships

December 25th, 2009 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Celebrity Divorces

Life is very simple, but it has been made complicated by human beings. There are no rules and regulations on how to lead a happy and contented life. They vary from person to person and differ from situation to situation. People believe marriages are made in heaven and realised on earth. Then why are there mismatches? Why are there quarrels between spouses? Why divorce? There are no straight answers to such questions. Some people have mental problems, some suffer from ailments, some are in depression. Why?

Because, at some time or other, we have flouted the rules of nature. This might partially answer - why we are not happy and why marriages are not perfect.

When two individuals, who either know or do not know each other are bound by the rituals of marriage, there are bound to exist differences of opinion. Nature has not made us all alike. Even the carbon copy of the “rainbow cat” cloned with the same DNA, is not exactly the same as the original.

So, one is living in a fool’s paradise - if one expects to find a perfectly hamonious spouse.

Divorces often take place for petty issues. For example:

1) Your spouse has the habit of not cleaning the hairbrush.

2) Your spouse throws dirty clothes allover the place, instead of putting them in the washing machine.

3) Your wife likes to spend time at kitty parties and attending club functions.

4) Your husband is in the habit of spending time gossiping and drinking - after office hours and then coming.

5) Your spouse forgets to inform you and is absent from predetermined functions.

6) Your spouse does not pay much attention to the children.

7) Your husband never volunteers to bathe, dress, and teach them.


8) Your spouse is more worried about his or her parents and siblings, than about the home.

9) Your husband thinks - it is your duty to look after the children, keep the home neat and tidy, provide sumptuous meals and be a good wife in bed.

10) On the other hand, you are a good mother, and a good daughter but not a good housewife.

11) You crib that your husband is a good father, a good son, a good brother, a good friend and a good social worker, but not a good husband.

Besides this, your spouse may have the habit of snoring, forgetting to flush the toilet, not remembering birthdays or marriage anniversaries etc. The list may go on. Anyway, these are petty issues, but they need to be dealt with. Otherwise, they will grow into mountains and be impossible to deal with.

If one keeps one’s cool, they will appear petty issues. There are easy ways to sort them out. For instance, if your wife has forgotten to clean the comb or a hair-brush, you clean it. It takes just 5 seconds and you can bring it to her notice, in a subtle way, by saying, “Darling, you are losing too much hair. Today, when I cleaned your hairbrush, I found so much.” She will get the point and be grateful to you for showing concern, at her losing hair.

LIFE IS A MIXED BAG

Similarly, to get your husband out of the habit of leaving dirty linen all over the place, wait for the time when he does not find his favourite shirt or tie, which is lying in a corner or under the bed. Search for it, find it and give it to him, then tell him to put dirty clothes in the washing machine - to avoid such situations in future.

One must understand that life is not a bed of roses - but neither is it full of thorns. It is a mixture of both and it depends upon the individual, whether he or she finds roses or thorns.

Leading a happy married life is an art. It is the art of compromising. If the man might have wanted a Lindsay Lohan or Angelina Jolie as his wife, the woman might have longed for a handsome, obedient and loyal husband. But, in real life, we don’t always get what we want. However, one can transform an ordinary girl or boy into one of his or her liking, through understanding.

First of all, when you accept a person as your life partner, start off by loving him or her. Love not only the person’s good qualities but also his or her shortcomings. Love means loving a person as a whole and not in parts. Praise the good qualities and bring to his or her notice the shortcomings in a subtle way. Everyone makes mistakes, so there is no point in losing one’s cool over a petty issue. Normally, we do not notice a plus point in our spouse, but we are in the habit of highlighting shortcomings.

Marilgu Ruman says, “People like other people, who make them feel good about themselves.” Never try to prove that you are more intelligent or smart than your spouse. If your spouse is lacking in anything, it is your duty to bring him or her up to your level. Love is not only to gain materially, it is also for giving love, affection and kindness.

When you are unhappy with your spouse, is divorce the answer? Should you divorce in the hope of getting a better partner? No! For all you know, your new partner may be worse than the previous one. Most of the time, people just trade one problem with another - like trading tooth trouble for knee trouble!

Your present spouse may snore, the next one may not snore but may keep you awake throughout the night, surfing the internet and then sleep the whole day. So, divorce is not the way to get a good life partner. One must introspect prior to blaming the partner, for a bumpy ride. If the following factors are taken care of, the question of divorce will not arise:

WORKAHOLIC

Many of us give priority to our work vis-a-vis our spouse and , children. Keeping the boss happy and getting promotions is not life. Life is much more than that.

If you neglect your spouse and children to such an extent that you do not remember their birthdays etc, then you do not exist for them. They learn to live without you. So, when you need them after retirement, they will distance themselves from you, think of you as an unwanted member of the family, and wish you could keep working.

So, with whom are you going to celebrate your happiness? Happiness is multiplied by sharing. If there is no one to share it with, you will become depressed. So try to balance work with family life.

NEEDS

One must have an eye for the needs of one’s spouse. Married life, is not a one-way traffic. The marriage cart not only needs two wheels, it needs synchronised movement too. Frank Pittman says, “There is no way to win against your spouse, you both win or both lose.” Men and women have different needs. As per L. Abrahamian, for men sexual fulfilment, recreational companionship, admiration and domestic support, top the list. Those for women are affection, conversation, honesty, openness, financial support, and family commitment.

Most men think that women will be happy by merely getting good clothes, ornaments and a lot of money, but as per their priority, money comes last but one. Men talk the entire day in office, but when they come home, they become mute spectators. For women, conversation is the second highest priority.

BE PRACTICAL

Do not imagine that your spouse will be ideal. Any fool can love a beautiful/handsome spouse, who is perfect but one who loves, in spite of a lot of short comings, makes life more meaningful and happy. Most of us search for a dark spot in a white sheet, instead of looking at the entire white sheet itself. So do not keep searching for short-comings, as all of us have them in plenty. Look for virtues, which will make you as well as your spouse - happy and life wonderful. Do not keep on fighting over petty issues. A successful marriage is not one in which there are no fights, but one, in which fights are turned into opportunities for greater honesty and understanding.

SEPARATION

Too much of togetherness breeds contempt. So one must look for opportunities to create space. It is advisable for the husband and wife to stay away from each other, for a month or two in a year. Once the spouse is away, the value of that person, will dawn on the other. This may be the reason why 90 per cent couples in the armed forces remain happy and contented, as, forced separation take place. Earlier, in the joint family system, separation was ensured, because the wife would go to her parents for festivals and ceremonies. So it felt as if each reunion was a second honeymoon.

HEALTH

Men take care of their health by playing outdoor games and going to the gym, but they fail to ensure good health for their spouses. By resorting to simple exercises, one can keep away diseases like BP, diabetes, arthritis, asthma and even Parkinson’s disease. It does not need a very great effort, to take your spouse for a walk. It will also strengthen the bond between you. Exercise also helps maintain one’s vitality level, so that sexual needs are also looked after. Though love is not sex alone, sex is one of the important ingredient of a happy married life.

For maintaining one’s health, one can practise yoga. The latest findings are that, if couples are sexually active, their health is generally good. There is sex therapy to treat depression, weak heart muscles, low backache, etc. So, by routine exercise, one can kill two birds with one stone - ensure good health and enjoy sex also.

EGO CLASH

Marriage thrives on love, compassion and consideration. The biggest culprit in destroying amicable, friendly relations is the ego. Everyone thinks that what ever he or she is doing is right and that others are wrong. Whenever your spouse is in a foul mood and utters unacceptable words, you should not resort to the same. The golden rule is to have patience. Even your spouse will realise his/her mistake, and love cannot thrive under domination either.

When the late Meena Kumari was asked what love was, she said, “You bow down a bit, I bow down a bit.” Once anger takes over, you lose your reason. No decision taken at that moment, can be right. So just try to tide over it and then everything will fall into place. Ensure that your ego does not destroy your relationship - as no home is big enough for two egos. You can always give away a thing, which you have in abundance. If you have anger or jealousy in abudance, you can easily give it to others. If you are unhappy, you can give sorrow to others.

If you can give happiness to others, it means that you are a happy person. So why not make yourself a happy person, by giving happiness to others? Robert Flack, in Better than Gold, has said, “Getting married is easy. Staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime - should rank among the fine arts.”

SACRIFICE

If one thinks more of the partner and less of oneself, 50% of marital problems will be solved automatically. Sacrificing makes one’s life meaningful and makes it easier, when the final call comes.

A selfish attitude makes life more complicated and unhappy. So, as you grow up, learn to sacrifice. Natural happiness comes when something flows out from the body, whether it is urine, sperm, milk, love, affection or kindness. Shiv Khera has written in his bestseller, You can Win, “Whether it is thought, action or behaviour, sooner or later - they return with great accuracy.” Therefore, to lead a happy married life, one should not even think of divorce. Such thoughts will push you into depression. If children are involved, then we are making their lives miserable - for no fault of theirs.

So learn to compromise. Adjust and do not find fault. Keep praising the good qualities in your spouse and enjoy happy married life.

Internet Find of the Day: Did you know? The best digital cameras are PowerShot Digital Cameras.

Michael Douglas is a relationship expert and he writes articles about love, dating, marriage and relationships which can be found at his websites http://www.go-get-guys.com and http://www.womendatingmanual.com.

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Divorced Dads Tips: Problems & Solutions During Christmas and Other Holidays

December 12th, 2009 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Celebrity Divorces

DISCLAIMER: The following is NOT legal advice, nor is it a substitute for legal advice. If you are in Family Court you will need legal advice, so please see a lawyer.

Divorced dads face many problems during Christmas and other holidays with their children. But there are solutions. Let me share a story about my experience with you:

The worst Christmas that I ever had was spent watching Godfather III in a theater after handing over my kids at 4:00 p.m. to their mom. But there are far worse holiday horror stories. Fathers get told with no notice, “No, you can’t have little Jimmy on Christmas Eve like we originally planned. You can see him for a couple of hours on the 26th.”

Fathers who are successful with holiday and birthday visitation issues don’t leave legal action to the last moment. To ensure the holiday schedule goes as planned, especially if problems are anticipated, you may need police enforcement of your holiday access.

In my opinion, “early” for Christmas means getting started in September or before. Don’t wait until the last minute. In December, the court system slows to a near standstill. Faced with the prospect of not seeing your children on Christmas, slow paced legal proceedings make stress even worse.

In court, don’t wage war; wage peace. Judges don’t care about what is good for you. Present evidence to the judge in terms of how your suggestions benefit your children and a GREAT compromise focused on calming their holiday anxiety. That’s what judges want to hear.

Most courts order that holidays, birthdays and Christmas be equally divided. But put yourself in your kids’ shoes for a moment. It’s not good for the kids to chop a special day in half.

If you don’t get your kids for the holidays, buy them a present anyway. Wrap it and put it away. When you finally see your kids, even if it’s March or June, put on your Santa hat and pull out the present. Your kids will appreciate that you didn’t forget them.

Don’t bad-mouth their mother either. Kids are smart. Kids will figure out what is really going on if you are non-confrontational.

Ultimately, we had to get creative. We celebrate two birthdays and holidays; one with each parent. I’ve celebrated Christmas by surprising my kids days early with a full out celebration. We had a great time because we didn’t get stuck on celebrating on a certain day.

I still get lonely at Christmas. BUT, when I see how they turned out, due to the efforts I made to make them happy, especially during the holidays, I know I have been a great Dad. And no one can ever take that away.

Don’t ever give up and don’t ever lose hope. Most judges understand how sad a time holidays are. If you come across angry, you do your kids and yourself an enormous disservice. Be the man you claim to be by example: Be a man of peace and extend goodwill to all. This is the best overall approach and strategy successful divorced dads use to maintain a close relationship with their children.

Remember this above all else: Your example of love, peace and fatherly wisdom is the best present you can give your children for Christmas.

During my divorce, I wished for a divorce roadmap. That’s why we created a weekly telewebcast, to help men like yourself.

If you’ve lost in Family Court, don’t give up. There is always hope. You’ve likely lost because you didn’t understand that winning requires effectively “waging peace” for your children.

If you base your game plan and strategies upon those of successful fathers, you will improve your chances of success immeasurably. You need help from dads who have done what you are trying to do.

Internet Find of the Day: Do you know what makes the Christmas Holiday time so special? Yes, the cliche of spending time with the family. This year make your family fun time incredible with these Family Christmas Games!

We can help you learn the successful strategies of fathers who have won in Family Court. Join us on our weekly calls at
DivorcedDadWeekly where we will do our best to steer you in the right direction, by sharing with you what has worked for successful divorced dads, so you can be one too.

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Divorced Dads Tips: Problems & Solutions During Christmas and other Holidays

December 11th, 2009 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Celebrity Divorces

DISCLAIMER: The following is NOT legal advice, nor is it a substitute for legal advice. If you are in Family Court you will need legal advice, so please see a lawyer.


Divorced dads face many problems during Christmas and other holidays with their children. But there are solutions. Let me share a story about my experience with you:


The worst Christmas that I ever had was spent watching Godfather III in a theater after handing over my kids at 4:00 p.m. to their mom. But there are far worse holiday horror stories. Fathers get told with no notice, “No, you can’t have little Jimmy on Christmas Eve like we originally planned. You can see him for a couple of hours on the 26th.”


Fathers who are successful with holiday and birthday visitation issues don’t leave legal action to the last moment. To ensure the holiday schedule goes as planned, especially if problems are anticipated, you may need police enforcement of your holiday access.


In my opinion, “early” for Christmas means getting started in September or before. Don’t wait until the last minute. In December, the court system slows to a near standstill. Faced with the prospect of not seeing your children on Christmas, slow paced legal proceedings make stress even worse.


In court, don’t wage war; wage peace. Judges don’t care about what is good for you. Present evidence to the judge in terms of how your suggestions benefit your children and a GREAT compromise focused on calming their holiday anxiety. That’s what judges want to hear.


Most courts order that holidays, birthdays and Christmas be equally divided. But put yourself in your kids’ shoes for a moment. It’s not good for the kids to chop a special day in half.


If you don’t get your kids for the holidays, buy them a present anyway. Wrap it and put it away. When you finally see your kids, even if it’s March or June, put on your Santa hat and pull out the present. Your kids will appreciate that you didn’t forget them.


Don’t bad-mouth their mother either. Kids are smart. Kids will figure out what is really going on if you are non-confrontational.


Ultimately, we had to get creative. We celebrate two birthdays and holidays; one with each parent. I’ve celebrated Christmas by surprising my kids days early with a full out celebration. We had a great time because we didn’t get stuck on celebrating on a certain day.


I still get lonely at Christmas. BUT, when I see how the kids turned out, due to the efforts I made to make them happy, especially during the holidays, I know I have been a great Dad. And no one can ever take that away.


Don’t ever give up and don’t ever lose hope. Most judges understand how sad a time holidays are. If you come across angry, you do your kids and yourself an enormous disservice. Be the man you claim to be by example: Be a man of peace and extend goodwill to all. This is the best overall approach and strategy successful divorced dads use to maintain a close relationship with their children.


Remember this above all else: Your example of love, peace and fatherly wisdom is the best present you can give your children for Christmas.


During my divorce, I wished for a divorce road map. That’s why we created a weekly telewebcast, to help men like yourself.


If you’ve lost in Family Court, don’t give up. There is always hope. You’ve likely lost because you didn’t understand that winning requires effectively “waging peace” for your children.


If you base your game plan and strategies upon those of successful fathers, you will improve your chances of success immeasurably. You need help from dads who have done what you are trying to do.

Internet Find of the Day: Do you know what? You need a great LCD TV in your life. Get one now!

Danny Guspie - Executive Director of Fathers Resources International can help you learn the successful strategies of fathers who have won in Family Court. Join us on our weekly calls at

DivorcedDadWeekly.com where we will share with you what works for successful divorced dads.

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Ten Tips for Dads Celebrating Birthdays and Holidays After Divorce

December 8th, 2009 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Celebrity Divorces

Holidays and birthdays are extra reminders that the family is no longer as it once was, and can be especially difficult during the first years after a separation. However, like much about divorce and its aftermath, if you work at it, you can create new traditions and rituals that will make that time enjoyable again.

Because these times are so special, some divorced families find themselves thrown together again every holiday, if only because it’s more practical than ferrying the kids all over town. Often, it’s one big happy family with new spouses and children. However, don’t be surprised if this doesn’t happen right away, no matter how logical it seems. Time may be required to patch over differences and hard feelings and you also might find it easier to be away.

1. Plan Ahead.

With all the hoopla of the holidays, it won’t be easy, but you really have to plan, now that you’re trying to manage your family’s time from afar. Plan way in advance so that your ex-wife doesn’t feel under pressure. You’ll get far more if you plan early, try not to be pushy, and be extra communicative during this time.

2. Use the holidays as an extra reminder that “if you don’t have anything nice to say…”

The holidays, a birthday event, or even a family wedding, are not the times to dredge up bad feelings or statements of ill will, even if you’re being goaded into responding. Make a game of it and either walk away or just smile, but don’t get in a tangle, no matter how tempting. Try to make positive statements about your ex and keep the conversation away from curious questions about their “other celebration.” Don’t forget to also remind and help them shop for your ex-wife and her family.

3. Keep your promises.

Around holidays, be extra careful to follow up on the plans you make with your kids.

4. Be flexible in your planning.

Try to head off difficulties by being ready to change plans due to changes by your spouse or just in the situation. The best thing divorced dads can do is be extra-sensitive to the season or birthday and try to be ready for changes.

You may find yourself having to give in to letting your kids spend “your time” with you ex-wife, for example.

5. Allow your kids to have two birthday or two holidays.

There’s nothing wrong with doubling up on the celebrations. Just ensure that you communicate well in advance and that you involve everyone in the planning. Re-creating the traditions and rituals and choosing your own, reinforces the idea that the children now have two strong homes.

6. Involve the kids when you plan.

Whenever it’s reasonable, let your children help make the choices about when and where to celebrate the holidays, and with whom. But before asking their opinions, make it clear that all plans must be cleared with everybody involved. This will help teach your kids to be part of the collaboration between you and your ex.

7. Don’t spoil your kids during the holidays.

Don’t feel guilty and over-indulge your kids to “make up” for the divorce, or worse, to buy their affections during the holiday. Despite the pain of divorce and flaring emotions, your kids will always be your kids. And, likewise, you need to always act like their father despite the change in situation.

8. Make the best of your new family during the holidays.

If you remarry or enter a long term relationship with someone who has children of her own, make sure to discuss how you will incorporate your children’s traditions with hers. Involve kids from both families to make sure you understand what is important and that no one feels left out.

Since birthdays and holidays are so important to kids and adults, you’ll have to be extra flexible to incorporate everyone’s feelings.

If you remarry or get into a committed relationship and your new partner has children, they will undoubtedly have their own ideas about how to celebrate holidays and birthdays. Discuss with your new partner ways that you can bring together the children from both sides of the family, and get all the kids involved with planning what you’ll do together and incorporating everyone’s traditions. Birthdays and holidays are special times for you and your kids. Communicate clearly and stay calm and flexible, and your extended family will have something to celebrate.

9. Don’t forget to take off yourself if you end up spending some of the holiday alone.

Holidays are difficult for many people because they trigger memories of better times or of hard times. That’s why you should make special plans. And, if you are going to have free time, arrange to be with supportive friends or family.

10. Create new traditions for your new family.

Don’t duplicate the exact rituals that you had with your ex-wife. Instead, create new traditions that involve the kids and are representative of your new family. It’s not time to throw the baby out with the bath water, but you’ll be much happier with your own ideas than trying to re-create the past in a new situation.

As you will notice in many of our Ten Parenting Tips, planning and communication are key to enjoyable holidays. Experts strongly recommend crafting a parenting agreement with your ex-wife . This agreement should cover where the kids will spend holidays and birthdays. If you can’t agree on these issues, you will be forced to argue over the same points at every holiday. And, you’ll inevitably stir up expectations and disappointments with your kids. An always-renegotiable “parenting agreement” can go a long way toward heading off many of these disagreements.

Internet Find of the Day: Men, it is time to get your wife or girlfriend something very special for Christmas 2009. For the best gifts available this year, check out the Christmas Gift For Her page to find an extraordinary Christmas gift for your her!

Paul Banas was looking for a business idea that would allow him the flexibility to spend time with his family. Paul Banas is a founder of http://www.greatdad.com - a leading source of experience, recommendations, inspiration and advice for dads - delivered from the male perspective.

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